Monday, May 22, 2006

Lost Verses of the Holy Q'uran

Surah 115: The Pig

Bismillah: The hurried flight of the Hegira had led the Muslims to a fertile oasis, where they were at last safe from their many enemies in Mecca. Pausing, each thanked Allah the moon-god for their good fortune. Assembling at a long table, they enjoyed rare delicacies brought by bare-breasted sirens whose faces were veiled. During the feast Muhammad sternly forbade his disciples to partake of pig flesh, while fondling the youthful breasts of a Nubian girl named Sheba.

Obeying the Prophet, the pilgrims partook of the succulent flesh of jackals and vultures, washing their food down with strong wine. I never dreamed I would have to eat the loins of a jackal, let alone the bitter entrails of a cursed vulture, observed a hungry pilgrim named Ahmed to a fellow Muslim, choking on the unpalatable morsels. Neither did I, but the Holy Prophet has ordered it, grumbled another starving follower, almost heaving as he consumed greasy vulture flesh.

A rancid pork chop would taste a hell of a lot better than this crap does, retorted Ahmed. It's an acquired taste brother, you will get used to it, I spoke up another, smiling with a mouthful of rotten teeth. I don't think so, said Ahmed, forcing down a burned jackal testicle. An uncaring Muhammad, famished, greedily wolfed down roasted jackal in enjoyment, quaffing from an earthenware wine carafe on occasion, while choosing which of the sirens that would soon endure his favors.

The meal finished in the late afternoon, a drunken, lustful Muhammad initiated a sex orgy with the sirens, the debauched Holy Prophet, Allah speaking through him, declaring all earlier betrothals or marriages of the women he knew null and void. The Muslims celebrated their good fortune, again thanking Allah for the bounty they had been blessed to receive.

Later, as Muhammad sat half-naked under a palm tree, masturbating to the thought of molesting little girls, Ahmed chanced by and remarked, "Oh great prophet, why does Allah say that we cannot dine on delicious porcine flesh?" "Why?" asked Muhammad, closing his filthy, tattered, moth-eaten robe, "Because Allah's younger retarded cyclops brother is a pig, and Allah doesn't want us killing his holy kinfolk." "Allah is a pig?" asked Ahmed, staring at Muhammad. "Of course," replied the deranged Prophet, hallucinating thanks to ingesting strong hashish minutes earlier.

"That's ridiculous, why in hell do we worship pigs?" asked Ahmed, thinking his flight from Mecca may have been the result of heeding the words of a false prophet, possessed of a capricious desert demon who delighted in seeing them consume the flesh of vermin. "Because they're better than we are," answered a smiling Muhammad, now fantasizing about raping little boys, "Look at me, I'm little more than a lecherous child molester, thief and murderer!" "True, but pigs can't even talk!" exclaimed Ahmed, digging a heel into the sand. "Allah can, he speaks to me in my dreams," retorted the wildly hallucinating Muhammad, barely able to focus on Ahmed, seeing him in double vision.

"You're a madman," declared a disgusted Ahmed, "I'm heading back to join the infidels in Mecca!" "Who cares?" retorted Muhammad, slurring his words and breaking into riotous laughter. Prophet Muhammad, opening his robe and again reaching for his flaccid sex organ, was too occupied with masturbating his building erection to reply further, while Ahmed disappeared behind a sand dune. "What a stupid, perverted, licentious bastard," spat Ahmed, walking off, "Muhammad is crazier than a shithouse rat!"

Surah 116: The Pervert

Bismillah: And it came to pass that Muhammad was growing ever hornier and more depraved: In a dream it was revealed by Allah that he was to molest a young girl named Ayesha.

Drunk on strong wine, the Prophet looked to a follower named Khalil and announced, Allah has said I am to have sex on this day with a child; the virgin daughter of my brother in law Abu. What? asked a frowning Khalil, holding a wine bottle, taken back by the remark and turning to Muhammad. ? I am to know Abu's daughter Ayesha, declared Muhammad, a finger in the air, becoming visibly aroused at the thought having sex with her. She is but a little girl who plays with dolls; her womb does not yet weep, are you insane? asked Khalil, knowing in his heart that the Prophet was little more than a pervert, thief, liar and murderer. probably, but it is the will of Allah? Muhammad said to himself, staggering off to the hovel of Ayesha.

What a twisted devil the Prophet is , the will of Allah my ass, he is just an evil, depraved monster who lusts after the flesh,Khalil mumbled, putting the bottle to his parched lips. An oblivious and uncaring Muhammad blundered down the street, weaving as he went, arriving at the hovel shortly thereafter. Knocking on the door, Ayesha? Her mother Umm appeared. What do you want Prophet? she asked, staring at the debauched Muhammad, clad in a filthy tan robe covered in dust and wine stains, a lone flea crawling upon his moustache near his nostrils.

I am here to take your daughter Ayesha in bed, the Prophet answered, slurring his words. You licentious beast! exclaimed the girl's mother, she is only six years old, if it is indeed the will of Allah, take me instead to satisfy your wanton depravity!

Taking you is not the will of Allah, retorted Muhammad, the scent of wine heavy on his foul breath, you are a wrinkled and faded flower without comeliness; be gone with your favors; I could never get a hard on at the likes of you. Enraged by her rebuff, Muhammad smote her upon the face with a backhand. That is what one gets for disobeying the will of Allah,declared Muhammad, his words punctuated by a loud belch,take me to Ayesha, that I may know her on this day!

Obeying, Umm reluctantly led Muhammad to the room of Ayesha, opening the door. This perverted Prophet here wants to screw you, announced Umm with a frown, Muhammad ogling the virgin child in double vision. But you knew my cousin Abdullah, younger brother of Ahmed not an hour ago, replied a shocked Ayesha, dropping her doll, revolted by the sight of the filthy, lascivious pedophile Muhammad. Be that as it may, Allah has said I will also know you, said Muhammad with an expectant smile, the gleam of lust in his eyes.

Why me,asked Ayesha, looking to the Prophet with trepidation. Because Allah has said it and I am horny, let us lay down, that I may know you, ordered Muhammad as he removed his robe, Ayesha's mother shaking her head in helpless disgust and closing the door.

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